Friday, March 12, 2010

Time

Time is elusive. There never seems to be enough. We all want more hours in the day to accomplish that which we feel is important.

We scurry about our lives as the sand silently slips through the hourglass and the sun slowly sinks in the sky, marking the end of another day; one more moment of life just out of reach. There is never enough time, until something happens that makes the world seem to stop and you find yourself wondering what you will do with the minutes, hours, and days that now seem to drag on forever. You question what was so important before, what ate up all that time, and how you will deal with the infinite amount of time stretching out before you.

Four days after my last post my world stopped. The most important person in my life, my best friend, the person who brought me into this world and guided me through it, my Mom, lost her battle with clinical depression and anxiety and committed suicide.

Three months have passed, but time bears no consequence anymore. There will never be enough time to erase the anguish, sadness, and mystery behind this loss.

People say time heals all, but I dissent. I can only imagine that in time you learn better how to cope. That as each day passes it becomes slightly easier to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out.

Losing my mom has created a huge void in my soul. It has drained my life of creativity and joy. It is rare to feel anything other than disconnect and lethargy. It is hard to want to go on.

I write all this because it is what my life is right now. There is no shopping at farmer's markets, no excitement about trying a new recipe, no inspiration just waiting to be tried out on unsuspecting guinea pigs. Nothing. Each day I am trying to find my way back toward the light. Trying to find hope again.

As hard as it is to want to come back to this, to try to find moments of happiness and inspiration again, I know that I need to. I need to do it for myself, but more importantly for my mom. Her greatest joy in life was to see her children happy, doing what they loved, and excited about life. I don't know if I will ever experience true excitement or happiness again but I do know that I will do my best to honor my mom and the hopes and dreams she held for me.